Finding the Self

To sum up my Understand Religions class I made a comic about finding the self. I feel like I have coved 0.05% of how to find the self considering it is the second largest question in Religion. The largest question of course is: "What is this? WHAT IS THIS?!"

almost incest, earth sucks but it's a good place to be, and pancakes

i am listening to derezzed while writing about buddhism, it's a little crazy. i am in a cafe that charges 20 rupees an hour. loud trucks rumble up the hill making it difficult to hear. cows pass too.

i got some time because zoe is in hindi class, which today takes place in lower dharamsala as shopping. as much as i love shopping i did not go, also there is nothing else to do in that town.

this morning we went over to our (monk) friend's place and we made him pancakes. they took a while to cook all the way through, but they were completely worth it. he liked the pancakes a lot, especially with some maine maple syrup!

it is so much fun talking to him about tibetan traditions. for example: say there are three brothers in one family. the oldest gets married first, but the wife is shared/sleeps between all three of the brothers. when the eldest brother makes enough money, he moves out and his wife goes with him. from the time he moves out his wife just sleeps with him, there is nothing more with the two younger brothers. then the next oldest brother gets married, and again, until he moves out he shares his wife with his younger brother. then he moves out and so on.... weird right? he also mentioned that cousins never get married which is unlike the chinese.


kind of shocking? it is still practiced today in tibet.

hungry for some tibetan buddhist philosophy?

tibetan buddhism explains the beginning of our existence does not existent. in other words there's no beginning. easy to say but try to completely wrap your mind around that. when western scientist approached the dalai lama with the theory of the big-bang, the dalai lama completely agreed, however, he said it was simple not the first one. buddhism suggest that life has existed forever in many forms

currently, our time is a low point for all life as we have sunk to become humans and experience so much suffering. for a long time such as maybe before the big bang life existed but without the need for a physical existence or body. one explanation for evil people is that since we are at a low point it is easier to get a human body for rebirth even if had terrible karma in the previous life.

there is good news about being at a low point. it is easier to practice. when beings are at a high state tibetan buddhism suggest that these beings become ignorant and too proud of themselves, or too much bliss. so when your stuck in the muck here on earth in a human body that gets sick and old, don't worry! it is much easier to accend to a higher state of being from this middle realm, between animals and "light beings" or gods if you are into that. remember even light beings and gods can fall. buddhas (who are seperate) are the only ones who stay in the same realm or who can choose their realms.

fun? ask me questions about it, it's a lot of info and i only touched the surface.

tibet and other places

i bought these traditional tibetan bone beads. yes they are made of bone and i hope the animal did not suffer too much. what a great reminder of impermanence.

zoë and i are developing plans to see one or two more places in india and then go up to nepal for two weeks while we wait on chinese visas. a chinese visa should take 3 days, and a tibet visa should take no longer than 10 days. then we will go into the T.A.R. zone (tibet autonomous region) which is roughly half of tibet. the remaining land has been absorbed into each of china's neighboring states.

currently the border into tibet is closed to all tourists for the month of march due to the violent protest three years earlier. the borders should open again in april. tibet has been terribly destroyed by china: 6,000 monasteries have been leveled and 1.2 million tibetans killed since the 50s, not to mention their spiritual/political leader has been kicked out. on march 10th of this year his holiness the dalai lama handed over his political status to the tibetan government to become simply a spiritual guide for tibet and the world.

zoë and i went to the tibet museum in the dalai lama's current (temporary) residence. right before we went to the museum we both agreed that we had a strong desire to see tibet. after seeing the museum it only grew, though we both got a pretty good idea what we are in for. tibet is in absolute ruins, and then the chinese build modern buildings on top them. 


my stomach was doing flips as we went into the section on torture, the stains on this shirt are blood. It is pretty unbelievable, it is almost a hidden history, china has been so much more brutal then I though they were. there are posters all over dharamsala showing the most mutilated bodies after the chinese tortured them in 2008, all of them dead. it is common practice for china to release their torcher victims on the brink of death so they do not die in their hands.

on the way out we picked up a free travel advisory book for tibet. it explained several of the monasteries are intact only due to the tourism they pull, and the donation box goes straight to the chinese government. they said hand your money straight to the monks, and be discrete. any family you stay with is likely to be immediately put under surveillance. all phone calls and emails are monitored -- it really is big brother to the maximum. i took this video on the way out of the museum, you can here the monks chanting, an incredible experience, you can feel them shake the earth.

so why go to tibet? the dalai lama actually encourages it for whoever can possibly go. if one goes to tibet it's encouragement for the suppressed citizens that the world is taking interest in their land. if you can make sure the majority of your money go to the locals, it really can be a help. it is also important to see what is going on in this country and to tell others when you get back. very little information leaves tibet. lonely planet recommends to cover the book; otherwise you will lose it at the boarder because it mentions some pro-dalai lama things.

it is also pretty safe, except in march, to go to tibet. really the worst that could happen is they kick you out of the T.A.R. zone back into nepal or more likely to some other chinese state to spend more money there. i really doubt the chinese government is keen on imprisoning americans. further more i do not plan on breaking any of the laws, at least not publicly, of course i support the dalai lama!

several books have mentioned that it is possible to get out of the chinese developments and see some parts of tibet that are still tibet. this is what we will try to do. i will be researching the best thing to do with my time to benefit the locals. i hope to learn as much as possible from the people. we will probably end up trekking to the more remote locations, a common practice among visitors. 

my goal is to find these answers to these questions:

-what has fueled the tibetans for 52 years? 

-what aspects of buddhism support the effort to survive?

-how can the world best support tibet?

-will tibet ever achieve it's independence with in this generation? if not when?

-how can we support the effort for independence, in and out of tibet?

-and how can we do it peacefully without trouble from china?

-what changes have the tibetans seen throughout their lifetime?

-how have their homes changed? -has things become more restricted? 
                 -how have things changed since 2008?

-what do the tibetans think about the dalai lama handing over his political status to the tibetan government in exile?

-how do the tibetans develop the heart to deal with such tragedies?

-how do you develop compassion for people attempting to get rid of your culture?


i have to be really careful to ask these questions beyond the ears of the chinese, i could really endager a tibetan. i am partially on a spiritual quest to find motivation for my own life and to reach my full potential, whatever that might be. it is likely i may leave my computer behind if i go into the T.A.R. zone, there may be a gap of communication. I have too much buddhism and pro-dalai lama things and pictures to get it through the border.


i plan on being completely open to whatever comes to me in tibet, spiritual enlightenment or not, i am bound to learn something.


there are more questions, that is what we came up during breakfast, this is what we were looking at this morning:

that's enough for now!

traveling philosophy

i am definitely reaching something. i cannot tell you precisely what it is, but i am noticing that i am beginning to shed some of my conditioning. i am not becoming more indian, eastern, or anything.

india is different from my home. all i have been able to do is compare, and finally that is slowing down. comparing and contrasting two separate entities like these is useful to tell that you're away from home but for nothing else.

i have been comparing all the strange, bizarre, unusual experiences i have had to what i consider to be normal. that is, what i consider and have been conditioned to think of as normal. i have been well aware for a while that everyone has their own version of normal. now i am breaking this open.

disclaimer: it's a beginning; i have had little progress. by this i mean i have begun to shed my conditioning. there are several methods; being in a very foreign country is one. another is exploring my memories, which i have been doing to the deepest level i can for the last 9 months. i have begun to discover some memories which lead to the moments when i was conditioned. i explore them, and then i notice that conditioning continuing into the present and attempt to stop it.

i really enjoy exploring what my friends on the farm consider to be unusual, bizarre, or strange. milan thinks sunglasses are ridiculous. but it is actually a very useful tool -- that is, exploring milan's or whoever's prospective. not just thinking in another man's shoes, but imagining living in another man's shoes and then looking at everything you imagined to be normal and why you previously thought that.

another disclaimer: my ethics and principles remain untouched. i maintain them fairly well and keep them simple. i would say i am changing but i am also quite the same. i suppose i am practicing buddhism, meditation and mindfulness, and this certainly helps. maybe i am progressing well because i have had less conditioning. maybe i am not professing that much. i am certainly doing my own version of it.

it's not easy, looking at everything with fresh eyes constantly. i would almost define it as critical thinking, or questioning everything all the time. but i try to compare less and less with home. i try to get in touch with what is pleasant and unpleasant and why. i am even trying again what i have considered to be unpleasant int the past, like reading and writing, because i find this is associated with struggles from as early as 2nd grade.

just look at the beginning of this blog. it's awful. i blog about my pets (nothing against them), just to test it out, but i barely write anything, and it stays that way for a long time. suddenly thrown into places without easy access to internet, i must sit and write, i write because this time it is different, and next time will be different again. i would definitely say i have been enjoying reading and writing much more in the last few months. i am finishing my longest book, the fountainhead, which places harry potter in his rightful grave.

is this what farming and buddhism does? farming gives you time to think, buddhism gives you something to think about…. it's purification in a way. it's not giving the self up or submitting to something. it's clarity, fertilizer for the mind, creating room, opening up but not giving away. my original intention for my gap year was to figure out what i want to be when i grow up, i am heading that way. by losing my identity i regain it in a cleaner way, and only what i need. less is more. i hope when i am older i will get rid of all my conditioning, i think that would give me the ability to completely identify myself. for now, for 19, i think this is pretty good. when i am 20 i will probably laugh at this, hopefully because of more progress. this clearer identification of myself is certainly leading towards my gap year goal, which i may or may not achieve. i doubt it matters; the journey has fed so many other important things and has been so much more rewarding.