i am definitely reaching something. i cannot tell you precisely what it is, but i am noticing that i am beginning to shed some of my conditioning. i am not becoming more indian, eastern, or anything.
india is different from my home. all i have been able to do is compare, and finally that is slowing down. comparing and contrasting two separate entities like these is useful to tell that you're away from home but for nothing else.
i have been comparing all the strange, bizarre, unusual experiences i have had to what i consider to be normal. that is, what i consider and have been conditioned to think of as normal. i have been well aware for a while that everyone has their own version of normal. now i am breaking this open.
disclaimer: it's a beginning; i have had little progress. by this i mean i have begun to shed my conditioning. there are several methods; being in a very foreign country is one. another is exploring my memories, which i have been doing to the deepest level i can for the last 9 months. i have begun to discover some memories which lead to the moments when i was conditioned. i explore them, and then i notice that conditioning continuing into the present and attempt to stop it.
i really enjoy exploring what my friends on the farm consider to be unusual, bizarre, or strange. milan thinks sunglasses are ridiculous. but it is actually a very useful tool -- that is, exploring milan's or whoever's prospective. not just thinking in another man's shoes, but imagining living in another man's shoes and then looking at everything you imagined to be normal and why you previously thought that.
another disclaimer: my ethics and principles remain untouched. i maintain them fairly well and keep them simple. i would say i am changing but i am also quite the same. i suppose i am practicing buddhism, meditation and mindfulness, and this certainly helps. maybe i am progressing well because i have had less conditioning. maybe i am not professing that much. i am certainly doing my own version of it.
it's not easy, looking at everything with fresh eyes constantly. i would almost define it as critical thinking, or questioning everything all the time. but i try to compare less and less with home. i try to get in touch with what is pleasant and unpleasant and why. i am even trying again what i have considered to be unpleasant int the past, like reading and writing, because i find this is associated with struggles from as early as 2nd grade.
just look at the beginning of this blog. it's awful. i blog about my pets (nothing against them), just to test it out, but i barely write anything, and it stays that way for a long time. suddenly thrown into places without easy access to internet, i must sit and write, i write because this time it is different, and next time will be different again. i would definitely say i have been enjoying reading and writing much more in the last few months. i am finishing my longest book, the fountainhead, which places harry potter in his rightful grave.
is this what farming and buddhism does? farming gives you time to think, buddhism gives you something to think about…. it's purification in a way. it's not giving the self up or submitting to something. it's clarity, fertilizer for the mind, creating room, opening up but not giving away. my original intention for my gap year was to figure out what i want to be when i grow up, i am heading that way. by losing my identity i regain it in a cleaner way, and only what i need. less is more. i hope when i am older i will get rid of all my conditioning, i think that would give me the ability to completely identify myself. for now, for 19, i think this is pretty good. when i am 20 i will probably laugh at this, hopefully because of more progress. this clearer identification of myself is certainly leading towards my gap year goal, which i may or may not achieve. i doubt it matters; the journey has fed so many other important things and has been so much more rewarding.
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